How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

Having this conversation is never easy, but it is necessary. Since I have four children and none of them are preggo yet, I’m obviously crushing it, so allow me to drop some knowledge bombs on you for how to have “THE TALK” straight from the Bible…

Most people are worried about the awkward silences, and rightfully so. Sitting your kid down, just the two of you, to talk about something they most like don’t even want to think about with you in the room, well, that’s hard. And let’s be honest, it’s totes awkward for you both. That’s why the Word tells us in Proverbs that “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Which is why I make a habit of inviting over the grandparents, the aunts and uncles, and all of the cousins for the big convo. You can never have too much counsel for a talk this important. Not to mention, there’s a lot less awkward silence with 15-25 people crammed in the room with you.

But I don’t stop there. In this day and age why would I? There are so many valuable opinions floating around in the internet ether that we can (and should!) truly live out this verse by asking the advice of our social media friends before, during, and after our little preteen pow wow. “During? But how?” you ask. Easy. You simply live tweet the convo play-by-play on all of your social media platforms. This is also where the cousins come in handy by the way. Those tweens can tweet like no other!

Say for instance you’ve forgotten about a particular STD during your slide show presentation, your Instagram followers are there to save the day by quickly tagging you in images of #HerpesSimplexOutbreak so your child can truly understand the consequences of coitus.

(Parenting pro-tip: Also make sure to post pics of your child looking as uncomfortable as humanly possible so that other moms and dads out there will know they’re not alone, and if your kiddo’s on Facebook, tag them! This is a memory they will want to cherish forever.)

Another benefit of live #TweetingTheTalk is that it allows your entire social media community to play an interactive “advising” role just like the Bible wanted, by tweeting back thoughtful insights such as “LOL!” and “Ha! I’d hate to be your kid!”

Your child will appreciate the support. Trust me.

The next verse I like to pull completely outta context is Matthew 6:22, “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.”

Eye contact is so, so vitally important when it comes to discussing sex with your children. Do not blink. Do not ever break eye contact, even for a second. Since we’re talking about their bodies, we need to make sure they stay full of light the entire duration of our puberty palaver. And sorry extended family, you’re not off the hook for this one either. All eyes need to be on our kiddo as we discuss things like “growing hair down there,” “that crappy chlamydia,” and “the marriage bed.” I find that the more people making eye contact with your child, the more they seem to absorb the knowledge you’re throwing down. None of mine asked any questions afterwards, or even hardly opened their mouths for the next few months, because they just “got it.” So thanks Granny and Paps. I know that wasn’t easy because of G-ma’s glaucoma and Paps’ cataracts, but it was worth it, team!

And speaking of “marriage beds” I’ve found this is where so many of our brothers and sisters in Christ fail. They teach their children that sex is a “no-no” outside of marriage, but then that’s it. That’s where they stop. They never tell them what a wonderful gift it is and how we’re told to “drink deeply” of our marital love. Honestly, if these kids don’t know what it is we’re telling them to wait for, then why will they wait at all?

That’s why I like to end each sex talk by reading the Song of Solomon with my kiddos. There’s no better way to explain the joys of true sexual intimacy between one man and one woman than by reading about the carnal love of King Solomon and one of his 700 wives. And note, I said read it with not to them. Like any good teachable moment, it’s best to include your child in the learning experience. Have them actively participate by reading aloud every couple verses. Here’s an example:

You: “Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense.” 4:5,6

Grandma: “I have taken off my robe – must I put it on again? I have washed my feet – must I soil them again? My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, on the handles of the lock.” 5:3-5.

Your kiddo: “Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said “I will climb the palm tree and take hold of its fruit” 7:7,8

And remember #eyecontact.

Like I said, conducting the big, scary sex talk in this way has worked for me so far. No Junos here! Not to mention I’m pretty sure none of them will ever want to have sex at any point in their entire lives now.

And because this is internet, sadly, I guess I have to add this disclaimer because there’s always going to be those people who think I’m serious. THIS WAS SATIRE.

Nobody should ever do any of the above. Like, ever.

My real advice? Don’t be a weirdo. Talk to your kids from an early age about their bodies in the same way you would talk to them about all their other feels and physical changes. In my experience around 9 is when they start to get sorta creeped out to talk to you about this stuff. That’s why from the time they’re old enough to ask the chubby lady at the grocery store if she has a baby in her tummy (y’all, isn’t that THE. WORST?), we talk about how all that junk works. I use words like penis, vagina, semen, eggs, ovulation, and ejaculations. And honestly, they’re pretty whatever about it. Because I’m pretty whatever about it. They take their cues from us, so the less weird we are, they less weird they’ll be. Probably.